In love with a N A R C I S S I S T ?

Narcissistic personality disorder is something one needs to be diagnosed with by a psychiatrist. However these people tend to not think anything is wrong with them enough in order to get diagnosed with it, for the few who do, have already done quite a bit of damage to the women who have tried to love them. 

(PS: narcissistic personality is as often present in men as it is in women, in this piece, we're taking an example of a narcissistic man, but the same and more applies to women.)

So as a woman, it is in your best interest to know what symptoms to look for, because regardless of the diagnosis, those symptoms can have a long effect on you. Contrary to the stereotype, it's not just a self absorbed, conceited guy who posts a lot of selfies and fishes for compliments all day... that is one part of it, but the single, most characteristic sign of a narcissistic man is a man who thinks the world revolves around him and that nobody else's feelings matter. 

On the dating scene, this can be the guy who ghosts you, wants you to chase him and put in all the work and prove why you're worthy of a phonecall or an invitation for a real date. But the most dangerous narcissists are the guys who - up front- are nice and in shining armors... They're enthusiastic, charismatic, fun to be around, the things that they want out of life or in a relationship are all becoming... but once they get into a relationship, a few months, or maybe even a year in... they do a 180 into a complete monster! They treat you borderline, if not outright evil. They're malicious, they neglect you, they disrespect you, the way they talk to you and treat you is nothing like the guy that you first met. 

The most dangerous part in all of this is that women tend to blame themselves for this behavior, when really all the charming he did up front was never rooted in his real character. It was just to emotionally hook you so he can mentally have that authority to control and manipulate you later so you  could supply his narcissism.

So say you two get into an argument, or not necessarily an argument, say you bring one of your concerns to his attention. It doesn't matter how carefully you word that concern, not only does he deny any accountability, he turns it back around on you! So that somehow it's your fault, so that you are to blame. Not just in that particular situation, but for everything. Systematically he attacks you on a mental level so that you question the way you perceive reality. 

For example, if you say to him: 

"You know, it really makes me uncomfortable the way you look at and flirt with other women, it makes me feel like you have no regards for me or for our relationship... "

To which he would say: "Am I flirting with other women or is it something you made up in your head, something you're imagining? You know you've ruined every other relationship just like that and you're about to ruin this one by making things up out of thin air... and then attacking me."

You see by constantly doing that, he's able to lower your self esteem to a point that makes you susceptible to future mistreatment. Not only that, he subconsciously teaches you that you're lucky to be with him, no other man can possibly want YOU in all the ways you are destined to ruin a relationship.

Another thing that a narcissist would do is to try to isolate you from everything or every person that you're currently influenced by or that you go to for comfort. Because if he can isolate you, then he can increase your dependency on him. And if he can do that, then he can increase his control over you and the amount of fear that you have that he will one day leave you which also gives him power to make you do things to keep him from doing that, although nothing will. 

Al lot of guys are uncomfortable with their woman dealing with other guys on a close level, but to a narcissist, he doesn't care if it's male or female, if this relationship is adding value to your life, he's going to find a way to throw shade on it, whether it's blatant or subtle. If you have a close female friend who has never even expressed discontent with him hasn't done anything wrong to him or hasn't even had an argument with him...  

He'll still say things like: "You know what? She's jealous of you, she's trying to use you, I'm the only one you can trust, I'm the one who loves you. She just wants something from you... " 

Or he would say something like: 
"I don't like the way she carries herself, that she's always going out, she's starting to rub off on you, and the more that she rubs off on you the more that you hang out with her, the more that you're pushing me away. At some point you're going to have to make a choice."

THAT'S A NARCISSIST!

Or if he says something like: 
"The only reason why I flirt with other women is because you don't show me enough attention. You're always spending time with your friends, at work... .or at the gym... you don't show me enough attention, that's why I flirt. I wouldn't have to if it wasn't for you, this is your fault!"

THAT'S A NARCISSIST!

Another thing that lets you know that a man is a narcissist is if he treats you like he hates you, but needs you at the same time. Not love you, but need you. He just doesn't want you to leave. He walks all over you, he doesn't care if you're begging, pleading, crying, doesn't care if you're upset, depressed, he's completely apathetic until you walk out the door. Then he does things to pull you back. He doesn't want you to treat you right, but he doesn't want anyone else to have the opportunity to treat you right either, because the more that you hurt, the more that you're begging and pleading him to act right or to get things right, or doing things to try to fix the relationship, the more that you feed his narcissistic supply. 

The moment that you get ready to leave is the moment that you're getting ready to take that supply away. The lengths that a narcissist will go to in order to keep you from leaving or to try to get you back after you've already left are limitless. He may use fear, he may use  guilt trips, he may use control, he may drop by your home, he may show you flashes of the person you first met as he presented himself at the beginning...buy you nice things, whatever will work to get you back into the cycle so that the damage this time can be even worse, so that he can have even more control. The only way he would be ok with losing you or leaving you, is if he's already found another victim to take your place. 

At this point, nothing will make him care for the fact that you're going to leave, and by that point, you'll likely already caused quite a bit of damage to your reputation, ruined relationships in an effort to make him care, and that's why every woman needs to be aware of the symptoms of narcissism. 


Just as important as it is to know whether you're currently dealing with a narcissist, is knowing whether or not you've ever tried to love one. Because if so, then your healing process is going to be different from the average woman who's dealing with the disappointment from a relationship with a guy she had high hopes for but things didn't work out. You would have to restructure the way you see men in general, and most importantly the way that you see yourself, because both those view points were damaged within that relationship. The main way to tell that you dated one is if you find yourself after the relationship questioning what it is that you did to cause him to treat you so badly. 

I'm not talking about ways to improve yourself  to be a better wife, or girlfriend, or ways to improve a relationship moving forward, but if you try to pinpoint one action of yours that caused actions of his that were irrefutably wrong, horrible, things that you never tolerated before meeting him, then you've dated a narcissist, because that train of thought is implementet by a narcissist on his victims so he doesn't have to take accountability for his actions. Because she does! I'm not saying that you're a lost cause if you've ever been in this situation or not, but you do have work to do. But if you're currently in it, then you have distance to create. Because there is no "making it work" in curing a man (or woman) of his (her) narcissism. Any effort to do so is only going to leave you sick.