12 Things you must give up to be a Happy Man!
1. Your Sanity:
"Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy! She's so HOT! Tsssssssssss...."
Yep... Men. Your inter-thigh "brain" has tricked you into believing you have found bliss! Since the beginning of time, you have been repeating your ancestral mistakes for millions of years, yet expecting different results... You call that the course of nature... well my friend, I call that lack of sanity! And the first thing you will notice disappearing, when in a relationship, is just that! Slowly but surely, it will be gone. So spare yourself the wasted energy and leave all your sanity at the door. You won't need it anyways, because from now on, you're a Happy man!
2. Your Wallet:
When you get your paycheck, do not bother checking it. Just hand it over to your girlfriend. She's the ministry of finance from now on. Besides, you knew that the minute you asked her out. You're going to have to be the gentleman to pay for her "everything"... in return for "bliss". Haha... she got you! She got you good!
3. Your Logic:
Try arguing with a woman? You're a dead man! My friend, you will need to learn how to apologize. Even when you are right, you are wrong. So vacuum all that logic out of your system and dump it off somewhere... donate it to a charity or something... from now on, you won't need to use it, logic has ceased to exist. Black is white and white is gray and all that's in between is pink! Do you have experience in planting ducks?! No! So let her expertise take care of it, and DON'T argue!
4. Your Time:
You think you can still sit in the bathroom every morning, take your *ump in peace while reading your newspaper... as you used to? Hell no, brother! Get your sh*t and get OUT! Her majesty needs at least two hours in there before going to work! She needs 2000 bucks worth of sh*t to cover up the zombie face she woke up with... so either go take your shower at work... or go to your mother's place for that! Breakfast in bed? Yes, that you can prepare too... on your way, otherwise don't ever expect any breakfast, in bed or even out the door... not going to happen! Your time is hers. She does as she pleases with it, and you cannot refuse!
5. Your Wardrobe:
You think your boyish hoodie and cargo pants are good enough for HER boyfriend? Oh hoo hooo... how wrong you can be. Buddy! Your world is about to change upside down! You can kiss your hipster, messy hair, jeans or shorts and wrinkled tshirt days goodbye. From now on, you ought to be sharp! Ouch! Yes that sharp! You will also have to match everything she wears, even PINK! Yes, you heard me right! She wears pink shoes, you match that with a tie. She wears a yellow wig, you match it with your shoes... Follow her lead. Who's the fashionista? You or her? So shut up and follow the woman's instructions... after all, everything you see on runways and every shop window has been put together by a professional stylist... (who probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed and forgot his/her glasses and picked random pieces and put dressed up the mannequin in 5 seconds... but nevertheless... those are minor details... It's what's IN FASHION now... )
6. Your Friends:
The guys can wait, the world can crash and go to hell. When your girlfriend talks, you listen! When she wants to go shopping for all those pink ribbons for her chihuahua, you comply! The chihuahua needs a pedicure? You take it! If you know what's good for you, you comply, no questions asked. And your friends are better off without you, in this awesome new shape you've come to put yourself in! So stay the heck away from them and just keep following your woman!
7. Your Mother:
There can only be one BOSS, and of course, the girlfriend will have to be it. If you truly want to live like a happy man. If your woman is happy, you're happy. Don't believe me? Put your mother and your girlfriend in the same room for a couple of days and let's watch what happens... Just let me go collect some bets while you're at it!
8. Your Hobbies:
You don't need those silly ball games, or football game watching with the guys... You don't even need to read anymore nor do anything from what you used to do before you got yourself into a relationship. Whatever it is you need, your partner is the answer. No more need for Google, just ask your girlfriend. She knows.
9. Your Porn:
If you want to be a happy man, you need to give up on the porn. No more private fantasy time for you ol' hunk! You're taken, so until further notice, you are being watched!
10. Your Man cave:
Your once in a long long time man cave will now get a MAKEOVER and turn into her Highness' walk-in shoes and bags display... and if you don't behave, your bedroom might follow too... for the rest of her stuff... oh and she didn't even move in yet!
11. Your Dreams:
The only dreams you will be having are of the day you will be able to cover yourself fully in your own bed, brush your teeth without having to clean up makeup stains from all over your sink... Drink a beer without getting yelled at, going out with the guys and not facing deathrow at home... "Ahhh. Finally in a relationship", you said. Isn't that a blessing?!
12. Your Freedom:
A free man is a dead man. Ask her for a short break and expect to get broken, in short. I can't give you any spoilers on what will be used in the process, but the more you have said yes to before... the more creative the "break" will be. That I can guarantee. I expect anything from voodoo dolls, to scratching or even crashing your car, to burning your house... You know that movie "The Exorcist"? Watch it again and you will get an idea on how your life will be... if you don't follow my advice in the above 12 steps. Don't believe me? Try and prove me wrong. Good Luck.
Last piece of advice though: write your will... while you still have one.
Just Saying!
"Oh boy, Oh boy, Oh boy! She's so HOT! Tsssssssssss...."
Yep... Men. Your inter-thigh "brain" has tricked you into believing you have found bliss! Since the beginning of time, you have been repeating your ancestral mistakes for millions of years, yet expecting different results... You call that the course of nature... well my friend, I call that lack of sanity! And the first thing you will notice disappearing, when in a relationship, is just that! Slowly but surely, it will be gone. So spare yourself the wasted energy and leave all your sanity at the door. You won't need it anyways, because from now on, you're a Happy man!
2. Your Wallet:
When you get your paycheck, do not bother checking it. Just hand it over to your girlfriend. She's the ministry of finance from now on. Besides, you knew that the minute you asked her out. You're going to have to be the gentleman to pay for her "everything"... in return for "bliss". Haha... she got you! She got you good!
3. Your Logic:
Try arguing with a woman? You're a dead man! My friend, you will need to learn how to apologize. Even when you are right, you are wrong. So vacuum all that logic out of your system and dump it off somewhere... donate it to a charity or something... from now on, you won't need to use it, logic has ceased to exist. Black is white and white is gray and all that's in between is pink! Do you have experience in planting ducks?! No! So let her expertise take care of it, and DON'T argue!
4. Your Time:
You think you can still sit in the bathroom every morning, take your *ump in peace while reading your newspaper... as you used to? Hell no, brother! Get your sh*t and get OUT! Her majesty needs at least two hours in there before going to work! She needs 2000 bucks worth of sh*t to cover up the zombie face she woke up with... so either go take your shower at work... or go to your mother's place for that! Breakfast in bed? Yes, that you can prepare too... on your way, otherwise don't ever expect any breakfast, in bed or even out the door... not going to happen! Your time is hers. She does as she pleases with it, and you cannot refuse!
5. Your Wardrobe:
You think your boyish hoodie and cargo pants are good enough for HER boyfriend? Oh hoo hooo... how wrong you can be. Buddy! Your world is about to change upside down! You can kiss your hipster, messy hair, jeans or shorts and wrinkled tshirt days goodbye. From now on, you ought to be sharp! Ouch! Yes that sharp! You will also have to match everything she wears, even PINK! Yes, you heard me right! She wears pink shoes, you match that with a tie. She wears a yellow wig, you match it with your shoes... Follow her lead. Who's the fashionista? You or her? So shut up and follow the woman's instructions... after all, everything you see on runways and every shop window has been put together by a professional stylist... (who probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed and forgot his/her glasses and picked random pieces and put dressed up the mannequin in 5 seconds... but nevertheless... those are minor details... It's what's IN FASHION now... )
6. Your Friends:
The guys can wait, the world can crash and go to hell. When your girlfriend talks, you listen! When she wants to go shopping for all those pink ribbons for her chihuahua, you comply! The chihuahua needs a pedicure? You take it! If you know what's good for you, you comply, no questions asked. And your friends are better off without you, in this awesome new shape you've come to put yourself in! So stay the heck away from them and just keep following your woman!
7. Your Mother:
There can only be one BOSS, and of course, the girlfriend will have to be it. If you truly want to live like a happy man. If your woman is happy, you're happy. Don't believe me? Put your mother and your girlfriend in the same room for a couple of days and let's watch what happens... Just let me go collect some bets while you're at it!
8. Your Hobbies:
You don't need those silly ball games, or football game watching with the guys... You don't even need to read anymore nor do anything from what you used to do before you got yourself into a relationship. Whatever it is you need, your partner is the answer. No more need for Google, just ask your girlfriend. She knows.
9. Your Porn:
If you want to be a happy man, you need to give up on the porn. No more private fantasy time for you ol' hunk! You're taken, so until further notice, you are being watched!
10. Your Man cave:
Your once in a long long time man cave will now get a MAKEOVER and turn into her Highness' walk-in shoes and bags display... and if you don't behave, your bedroom might follow too... for the rest of her stuff... oh and she didn't even move in yet!
11. Your Dreams:
The only dreams you will be having are of the day you will be able to cover yourself fully in your own bed, brush your teeth without having to clean up makeup stains from all over your sink... Drink a beer without getting yelled at, going out with the guys and not facing deathrow at home... "Ahhh. Finally in a relationship", you said. Isn't that a blessing?!
12. Your Freedom:
A free man is a dead man. Ask her for a short break and expect to get broken, in short. I can't give you any spoilers on what will be used in the process, but the more you have said yes to before... the more creative the "break" will be. That I can guarantee. I expect anything from voodoo dolls, to scratching or even crashing your car, to burning your house... You know that movie "The Exorcist"? Watch it again and you will get an idea on how your life will be... if you don't follow my advice in the above 12 steps. Don't believe me? Try and prove me wrong. Good Luck.
Last piece of advice though: write your will... while you still have one.
Just Saying!
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