I just stopped!
I'm at a place and time in my life where I have very little patience for people who are flat out jerks. I don't try anymore with them... I don't give chances. In the past few years, I have realized that I don't have to subject myself to these people/experiences anymore. I am mature enough to choose the people I want hanging around me, I get to pick the ones I would like to keep, as well as those I don't want anywhere near me.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a ruthless heartless mean being of a person. Quite the contrary really. I have been the kind, caring, patient, giving, empathetic, selfless person that looks after everyone else first and themselves last... for far too long. And I always thought that because I am like that with others, I expected them to behave the same way towards me. How wrong one can be!
When I was in a grave situation in which I probably needed just a bit of moral support, or someone to talk to, maybe someone just to say nothing, or maybe just give me a warm friendly hug and reassure me that things will be ok... I found no one! Absolutely not a single soul. On the contrary, those same people mocked me for my pain... me being the tough girl and all... you know... we tough people are not supposed to feel pain, hurt, suffer from anything nor fall! Right?
Story cut short... I felt completely alone. And I was in fact just that. Alone.
Alone in a new country, no family, no real friends, no steady job, rules and regulations that make one's life worse than a living hell, uncertainty, a lot more responsibilities than even I can handle... and a lot of short deadlines to take huge life changing decisions with absolutely no guidelines, no clues or hints or anything to facilitate the process in any way!
Looking back at how I was as a child and comparing that to my personality now... I realize that I have come a far too long of a way to be comparable to that shy little kid who hid under the dining room table for hours to avoid guests...
It seems that throughout the years I have developed a thicker skin so to say, I have become more outspoken, more blunt, probably a bit edgy and aggressive at times, but I never was afraid to speak my mind.
What amazes me is that from my early years, I was able to read people instantly. My hunch has never failed me so far. I always knew what type of person I was dealing with since the moment I laid eyes on them... but I guess what changed in me is the willingness to keep trying with these people, trying to bring out the good in them... working on their inner child... yep, I decided not to bother anymore with all that. Specially with adults... or those who consider themselves to be, but actually are far from it.
I reached a point where I know they are not my responsibility. Just because they bumped into my life at one point does not make me their chaperone, nurse, caregiver, shrink, mother, etc... they are old enough to know what they want for themselves, and if they don't, it's not my job to show them. I cannot save the world, it's not my job to begin with.
I have also realized that you cannot help someone who doesn't want your help. Just because you see they need help doesn't mean they will appreciate you if you try to help. Some people just don't want to change, improve themselves, get over things... they like being in deep miserable shape... so I give it a try... if the response is not positive, I don't try again anymore. I actually accept that now, which is a thing I did not necessarily do... a couple of years ago.
Now, I tell myself this: "You are not their savior, save yourself"! I used to think that "saving myself" or thinking of myself... or even putting myself "first" was such a selfish concept... but now I finally realized that hey, it's not selfish at all. It's each person's duty to put themselves first. We are born alone and we die alone, it's our own responsibility to take care of ourselves, because quite frankly, no one is prepared to or will ever do it for you. Besides, you cannot help anyone else if you are in a bad shape yourself. Makes sense?
I don't even know why I am writing all this here... but I guess it needed out. So I hope my rambling resonates with you at some level and you find some wisdom or guidance from my experiences...
Thank you for reading...
As always... I'm not here to preach anyone... I am merely sharing what's "Inside my mind"...
Just saying...
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